emotionmonsoon (emotionmonsoon) wrote in seventh_circle,

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Curiosity killed the cat

So lately my life hasn't been the greatest. I'm slightly dreading what Amanda has to tell me but I am sorry that I didn't get the chance to talk to her on Saturday. I was very very upset and by the time I calmed down she had gone. I hope she isn't too upset with me. I do want to talk Mandi, although I'm very nervous about what she's going to tell me.

A few things have been pointed out to me that greatly pissed me off but also motivated me to get my butt in gear. I do realize that I've been basically saying that what was done to me is okay and I know that it is not. Yes there is still a fairly big part of me that feels in some way it might be my fault, but I know it is not okay that he did this to me. I don't know if I'll ever not believe that I had something to do with this whole mess but I'm working on it. I feel that I have made a great deal of progress. Yes it still feels like most of me is missing, kind of like having a very large hole inside me. I'm having a hard time believing things that he said to me before this happened although I do acknowledge what Jen shared with me as probably true. A lot of what I don't believe from before has to do with how he saw me and how he felt about me. I'm working on it I really am. You have no idea how greatful I am to Jen for some of the things that were pointed out to me.

I know what I have to do. It will never be the way it was and that hurts me a great deal. I can't trust him, not like that. I hope that we can still be friends but only time will tell if either one of us is grown up enough for something like that. I think the biggest problem between the two of us is that we are both inclined to run away instead of dealing with the problem. I'm not going to run away, Jen and Linda won't let me and for as much as I hate that I'm greatful for it too. I know that I can't run away from it, that won't fix anything. Not that this mess will ever really be fixed. I don't know if I'll ever be able to feel all that great about myself, or if I'll be able to trust someone else completely, I probably will, that could be my next big mistake. It won't hurt this much forever, I know that, but I think somewhere it will always hurt just a little. Right now I can't wait for it to hurt just a little.
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